On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
