I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
