Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
