I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
