I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
