someone threw a dead crab at me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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