Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
