Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize