im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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