Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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