I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
