i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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