Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I am never drinking with the goths again.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
