he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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