Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
