remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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