So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
