you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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