sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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