So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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