I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
from now on my penis is your penis
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
