Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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