Banned from zoo.
Again?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
