my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
