You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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