I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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