Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
