The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
