Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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