I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
false alarm, still single
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
