Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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