I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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