the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
