im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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