At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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