you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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