end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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