I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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