So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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