Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
