MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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