ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
