Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I looked at my own cervix.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
