Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
