Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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