We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
