i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
