I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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