genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
