It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
