Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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