Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
