I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
