Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
