Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
