You smell like a Billy Joel song
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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