I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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