Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
